"Mental Illness Problems"

I found this really interesting tumblr site, called Mental Illness Problems and in a weird way, I found it comforting that other people shared the same kind of little problems that relate to their illness. I decided I'll post a couple that I personally can really relate too, but please comment any ones you have also. I love reading things like this because it takes the loneliness away.

Can anybody hear me?

I really hate living at home at the moment. I'm really tempted to go stay at my Nan's for a few days, just to get away.


Yesterday, I asked my Dad if my brothers girlfriend could not be invited to MY 17th birthday celebrations with the family (which I don't even want to happen due to the fact it'll all be based around fucking food) and he started having ago at me, saying I did it to be spiteful, I was being a bitch because they've been together for two years so she's basically family etc. Whilst I can understand where he's coming from, he didn't even give me a chance to explain my point, or even state how I don't want to have a family celebration. Right now, I'm really not in a good way when it comes to eating, and everyone at home knows that. Yet they still go and put all this pressure on me. I know I'm not an angel child, but at least try and fucking support me instead of treat me like shit. 


Now today at dinner, I had my usual salad whilst everyone else eats roast, (I don't eat potato or beef) and for the first few minutes, I was just looking at what's on my place, panicking a little (my brothers girlfriend was here too) and then my mum just decides to turn around and snap "Just fucking eat it or put it in the bin, stop pissing around." in the most rude and humiliating way possible. So after sitting for another few minutes, near enough in tears, I've just decided to go and put it in the fridge and go upstairs to get out of everyones way.


I can't even begin to explain how suicidal I've been feeling lately, and I know I don't really open up to people but it'd be nice if at least someone in this fucking family would listen to me. I'm pretty much on the verge of doing something right now because I'm so angry and I'm trying to distract myself. I just want to scream. I'm sorry I'm not good enough but I never wanted this, so stop fucking acting like I do.

Complications of the Mind.

As much of a vague and bold statement this is, a part of me hates anybody without an eating disorder or crippling depression. It's not like I hate the person for it, because it's not their fault.. I mean, why would you want to have any of it? But I hate the fact that they don't realize how easy it is for them in terms of eating and mind state. 


Say, if I sit for a family dinner and my brother brings his girlfriend, all I can see is them being able to eat a full meal without any sign of struggle or distress. On Sundays, as a family (and his girlfriend), we normally have a Sunday Roast together. However, because of my problems with food, I refuse to eat potato, so every Sunday I have a plain garden salad. It physically makes me angry that they can sit there and eat a full roast dinner, and dessert and calorie-filled drinks whilst I'm near enough in tears over consuming a leaf of lettuce.


I don't even know why I'm blogging this, I went downstairs to get some hayfever relief pills and I saw my brother and his girlfriend out on the garden with a picnic of cakes, sandwiches and just scoffing it down without a thought. I don't know, I don't know why it makes me so angry. It makes me not want to be around them. I always find myself pulling away from my family because of the pure fact that they're able to eat without distress and I can't. Posting this has even got me into tears of anger, I just uh.. I wish things were different and I wish I wasn't ill. 

Routines, Eating Disorder and Parental Interruption.

I'm aware this blog post sounds like one of those "Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging" books, and as much as I wish it was on the same level of wit and humour, this isn't. 


As with pretty much most eating disorder sufferers, I have a routine that prepares me to be able to eat and, I guess to de-stress me from how stressful it is. With the past few weeks being incredibly stressful for me and resulting in a bit of a weight loss (Mixed emotions, am I meant to be sad about it?), pretty much everyone in on "my little secret" knows that before they ask me to eat, or before I eat, I go through a routine of my own meditation. As sad as it sounds, I have to watch television before and whilst eating, otherwise it makes me entirely focus upon the fact that I'm eating. For me, it's the only way that it's possible for me to eat at home, because otherwise I find it easier to just starve. 


Tonight, my Mum and Dad went out food shopping, so I set up a "camp" in the living room - it's never normally in use so it's no disruption to other people anyway, as my dad is always playing computer games and my Mum is always working or in bed. They came back after two or three hours, so I'd settled into my routine and was feeling a bit more relaxed about the idea of eating. After them asking me to walk the dog, I went out and took him on a really long walk and got back to them being in the living room, eating their dinner and watching some shit television show. For me, this just felt like they were screaming "You're fat, we don't want you to eat so just go sit in your room and starve". Although they might not have been, in the mind state of an eating disorder you discover you can take pretty much any statement and find a connotation of your self worth being put into question.


So now I'm in my bedroom, pretty much crying because now I can't eat. It's not that I wanted to eat, because food is just repulsing to me at the moment, but I know that I need to to beat this disease, yet I can't do it in a way that makes me comfortable because I've been put out of my routine. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, I guess I just wanted to know if other people have the same dilemmas, and how to resolve them. Just so stressed out now :/