As much of a vague and bold statement this is, a part of me hates anybody without an eating disorder or crippling depression. It's not like I hate the person for it, because it's not their fault.. I mean, why would you want to have any of it? But I hate the fact that they don't realize how easy it is for them in terms of eating and mind state.
Say, if I sit for a family dinner and my brother brings his girlfriend, all I can see is them being able to eat a full meal without any sign of struggle or distress. On Sundays, as a family (and his girlfriend), we normally have a Sunday Roast together. However, because of my problems with food, I refuse to eat potato, so every Sunday I have a plain garden salad. It physically makes me angry that they can sit there and eat a full roast dinner, and dessert and calorie-filled drinks whilst I'm near enough in tears over consuming a leaf of lettuce.
I don't even know why I'm blogging this, I went downstairs to get some hayfever relief pills and I saw my brother and his girlfriend out on the garden with a picnic of cakes, sandwiches and just scoffing it down without a thought. I don't know, I don't know why it makes me so angry. It makes me not want to be around them. I always find myself pulling away from my family because of the pure fact that they're able to eat without distress and I can't. Posting this has even got me into tears of anger, I just uh.. I wish things were different and I wish I wasn't ill.
I haven't got any words of advice but I feel the exact same way. Other times it repulses me.
ReplyDeleteOthers do have it so easy and the worst is a lot of people probably don't even realise whats going on for us, sometimes I wish I had a physical disability then people could see how bad I'm feeling and how much pain I'm in.
I love you x
ReplyDeleteI think the same too sometimes. I also feel protective - like its my eating disorder and they can't have it. I feel really bad when I see people at school looking like they're going the same way, because I want to be the only one, but at the same time I want them to understand.
ReplyDeleteI have never felt like that about you guys though, I want you to be better and I love you both for understanding, and you don't make me feel bad. I can't explain it all. I guess its just competition at school that bothers me. There's no competition in the group.
I can't be around people if they are eating and I'm not, or if I am eating and they're not. Although if they are definitely getting food very soon after I can get round it by just leaving when they eat or something. I don't understand my rules, I don't even think they're rules because they change every day.
I suppose most of this relates to your other post... but I want you to know that you're not alone in any of it, although everything is unique to you depending on what you're going through.
Ellie - I really wish Anorexia came with a huge bruise on my hand or something - I just want people to understand they depth of the illness.
Love you both xxxx
I feel the anger you feel about how people can just eat whatever, whenever and we cant. Some one once said to me "Anger is great, it motivates us to change." The anger is great, it can motivate you to be able to eat/drink whatever you want to.
ReplyDeleteI have the same thing you have with potato, except mines with pasta and rice, It frustrates me so much that others can eat these things i love, and i cant. Well, without fear, guilt and tears; so i tend to avoid them!
Use the anger against your eating disorder, use it as a motivation to change, to be able to eat whatever, whenever and where ever without guilt and fear!
Stay strong and keep smiling!
Amy xxx