I really hate living at home at the moment. I'm really tempted to go stay at my Nan's for a few days, just to get away.
Yesterday, I asked my Dad if my brothers girlfriend could not be invited to MY 17th birthday celebrations with the family (which I don't even want to happen due to the fact it'll all be based around fucking food) and he started having ago at me, saying I did it to be spiteful, I was being a bitch because they've been together for two years so she's basically family etc. Whilst I can understand where he's coming from, he didn't even give me a chance to explain my point, or even state how I don't want to have a family celebration. Right now, I'm really not in a good way when it comes to eating, and everyone at home knows that. Yet they still go and put all this pressure on me. I know I'm not an angel child, but at least try and fucking support me instead of treat me like shit.
Now today at dinner, I had my usual salad whilst everyone else eats roast, (I don't eat potato or beef) and for the first few minutes, I was just looking at what's on my place, panicking a little (my brothers girlfriend was here too) and then my mum just decides to turn around and snap "Just fucking eat it or put it in the bin, stop pissing around." in the most rude and humiliating way possible. So after sitting for another few minutes, near enough in tears, I've just decided to go and put it in the fridge and go upstairs to get out of everyones way.
I can't even begin to explain how suicidal I've been feeling lately, and I know I don't really open up to people but it'd be nice if at least someone in this fucking family would listen to me. I'm pretty much on the verge of doing something right now because I'm so angry and I'm trying to distract myself. I just want to scream. I'm sorry I'm not good enough but I never wanted this, so stop fucking acting like I do.
Hey, I know things may seem tough right now and you may feel all alone because no one understands you, but I can assure you, things will get better.
ReplyDeleteYour family and friends probably don't fully understand what you're going through so it's up to you to make them understand. Remember that people aren't psychic and super smart so you're gonna have to explain to them what you're going through instead of waiting for them to suddenly realise. A common misconception people have of many disorders is that they feel it's a simple matter of choice. They feel people suffering from these disorders choose to be that way cause of the way they think. And I wouldn't be surprised if some people you know, foolishly think that you're eating disorder is you just being picky when it comes to what you want to eat. The fact is disorders are so much more complicated than this and it is your duty to try and educate the people around you in what you're going through so that they can understand better. Once they understand fully then they will start supporting you properly and it will make everything so much easier for you. Try and research on your illness, and print stuff out you find on the internet and show it to your parents or something like that.
And stop feeling sorry for yourself! You are good enough and never let anyone (especially yourself) tell you otherwise! Don't let your own doubt and those negative voices in your head put you down.
Life is a massive struggle. It will ruin you if you let it. But that's the key point - "if you let it". Realise what you make of life and how you feel is predominantly down to you. You can let the bad things consume you and fuck you up, or you can use these bad things to make you a stronger and better person. The people who love life the most and are the happiest are those people who have gone through pain and then gone onto appreciate everything good in their lives even more. I know it can be tough to appreciate life since there's so many people out there who have more but are ungrateful and don't appreciate what they have. It's totally understandable that you feel angry at people who can eat without discomfort because they don't realise how lucky they are. But listen, your life isn't about how much other people appreciate what they have, your life is about how you appreciate things.
I'm sorry if I'm way off in everything I've said and have completely missed the point. Posting on random people's blogs isn't something I do (or ever done) but I felt like I had to say something here. What I've wrote is pretty long so here's the key points that you should remember:
- You are not alone.
- There are people out there who understand and care.
- Your life will get better.
- Try your best in making your parents understand what you're going through. Remember they are only human.
- Life is what you make of it
- And suicide is never the answer so don't do it!!