Routines, Eating Disorder and Parental Interruption.

I'm aware this blog post sounds like one of those "Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging" books, and as much as I wish it was on the same level of wit and humour, this isn't. 


As with pretty much most eating disorder sufferers, I have a routine that prepares me to be able to eat and, I guess to de-stress me from how stressful it is. With the past few weeks being incredibly stressful for me and resulting in a bit of a weight loss (Mixed emotions, am I meant to be sad about it?), pretty much everyone in on "my little secret" knows that before they ask me to eat, or before I eat, I go through a routine of my own meditation. As sad as it sounds, I have to watch television before and whilst eating, otherwise it makes me entirely focus upon the fact that I'm eating. For me, it's the only way that it's possible for me to eat at home, because otherwise I find it easier to just starve. 


Tonight, my Mum and Dad went out food shopping, so I set up a "camp" in the living room - it's never normally in use so it's no disruption to other people anyway, as my dad is always playing computer games and my Mum is always working or in bed. They came back after two or three hours, so I'd settled into my routine and was feeling a bit more relaxed about the idea of eating. After them asking me to walk the dog, I went out and took him on a really long walk and got back to them being in the living room, eating their dinner and watching some shit television show. For me, this just felt like they were screaming "You're fat, we don't want you to eat so just go sit in your room and starve". Although they might not have been, in the mind state of an eating disorder you discover you can take pretty much any statement and find a connotation of your self worth being put into question.


So now I'm in my bedroom, pretty much crying because now I can't eat. It's not that I wanted to eat, because food is just repulsing to me at the moment, but I know that I need to to beat this disease, yet I can't do it in a way that makes me comfortable because I've been put out of my routine. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, I guess I just wanted to know if other people have the same dilemmas, and how to resolve them. Just so stressed out now :/