Top 10 Songs This Week

I feel really bad for missing last weeks, but I was drunk in a field with no internet access, so I was kind of unable to post them. Most of these will be songs from Reading which will make me feel really nostalgic, but yeah. 

10) Bombay Bicycle Club - How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?

9) Two Door Cinema Club - Come Back Home

8) The Cure - Close To Me

7) Fidlar - Wake, Bake, Skate

6) Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby

5) Foo Fighters - Everlong

4) Modestep - Sunlight

3) You Me At Six ft Oli Skyes - Bite My Tongue

2) Billy Talent - Try Honesty

1) Benjamin Francis Leftwich - Stole You Away

The sunlight hurts my eyes

I got back from Reading Festival today, and it's safe to say it has been the most mental and memorable weekend of my life. My body is aching everywhere, but the reasons behind this are enough to make me smile and be thankful. We got there on Wednesday and set up our camp. It was my first night meeting everyone besides Marianne, and it was less awkward than I expected. We then went to Tesco, bought a lot of alcohol and set up a fire, drinking around the fire. I wasn't really drunk Wednesday night, but ended up in my tent with Marianne, and we had Nathaniel and Chris between us. I can't remember how that happened but I was dressed as a penguin so it was all innocent. I woke up first out of us on Thursday morning and sang at everyone to wake up. Nathaniel wouldn't wake up so I put gold body glitter all over him, then ran out the tent so he couldn't beat me up. Thursday was pretty much spent on our little camp site, making friends with the neighbors and drinking. We discovered we had drug dealing neighbors at about 7pm, when one of them (he was so attractive) came and plonked himself in the middle of Nathaniel and Harry. He turned around and asked "So, does anyone want to buy any MD? Acid? Bud? Shrooms? Ket?" and just walked off after we all looked at him in shock. Then a random girl on MD came and sat with us and she looked so ill, she was biting her mouth to shreds so I rolled her about ten cigarettes to keep her occupied from doing it. I felt so bad for her but she was so gone. It was rather cold and she was in hot pants and a crop top, which probably worsened the situation. The rest of the weekend was spent drinking, being chased around the camp by Harry and him pouring Fosters/Radox Soap/Moisturiser and anything else he could find over me for bantering him. Me and Marianne dance with some 40 year old men at the Cure and I cried to Dan during Friday I'm In Love. Dan also picked me out of a moshpit in Hadouken as I seriously injured my foot. I had to spend Friday afternoon at the camp site to rest it up whilst Ray, Ollie and Nathan sat there talking about sex, and going for poo's. It was kind of cringey but I joined in when they began to talk about gym, as I'm inevitably the expert (sarcasm)

I can't really fault the weekend, despite the toilets. They were like Chernobyl. And the fact that some people chose to go to The Maccabees over The Cure? I love the Maccabees and everything, but you can see them whenever they tour. The Cure haven't toured in so long, and will probably not tour again. They're also one of the most iconic bands in history, its kind of like choosing Cher Lloyd over Nirvana. Also, I did struggle with the eating side of it, and ended up loosing a large amount of weight which gives me some mixed feelings. I'm trying to be positive and pass it off as a glitch in the road, but a part of me feels it was inevitable that given the circumstances and the freedom I had, I just wouldn't eat. I don't know. The weekend was amazing and it feels so weird being in my bed, and not in Dans tent with him snoring in my ear, and hearing people outside shout "ALAN?" "STEVE?" "JESUS CHRIST BENTON". 

At my nannas

I love being at my nannas, but it's so stressful how she forces me to eat. I can barely manage at the moment, I don't need you reminding me of how shit I am okay

Top 10 Songs This Week!

And for next week... Unless I manage to get internet access Wednesday morning before I go to Reading Fest. I know it's late but I spent last night getting incredibly intoxicated and just partying, so that can be my excuse...

10)Lana Del Rey - Dark Paradise

9) Perfume Genius - Hood

8) Frank Ocean ft Earl Sweatshirt - Super Rich Kids

7) Foals - Olympic Airways

6) Vampire Weekend - The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

5) Rizzle Kicks - Travellers Chant

4) Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

3) Crystal Castles - Celestica

2) Lower Then Atlantis - Up In Smoke

1) Fiona Apple - Paperbag

Fuck forever

It's getting quite frustrating with my Dad telling me if I don't beat my eating disorder he'll never let me go to University, and will have me sectioned. Thanks Dad, you're a star. (not) I really did not wake up one day and decide it would be fun to have a crippling phobia of food and control. 

[30 Day Letter Writing Challenge] Day 1 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Dear x,

In Algebra, the term x is given to an unknown number in which we must figure out, calculating and considering different values as to the whole value of x. The x in this specific formula is not of a single digit nor person, it's of a cluster of people. x to the power of another value potentially. The term x is also given as a way of excluding a value in a essay or report in which we consider to be irrelevant, or potentially hazardous to the reader. You are the value x in my life. Whilst you maybe irrelevant now, your memory still haunts me, day in and day out. Although I haven't seen you since 2010, I see you every single day in my mind whilst squirming and screaming out of a dark and twisted nightmare, or a glimpse of what you did. You are the tiny echo heard in a darkened tunnel by a timid mouse, and you are the darkened shadow in the corner of a brightly lit room. You are a shadow that never disappears, no matter how warm the sun blazes upon me and for that, I feel nothing but hatred towards you.

The hatred I have for you is only partially towards your actions to me, but predominantly for the counter effect it's held on my life, years from the grasp you held over me. Whilst you've continued living life, day by day with no remorse or second thought about the actions and implications you've had, you never really acknowledged the pain you left me to deal with. I know that in the social background you grew up with, a male held his repertoire by displays of his dominance and assertion, allowing even the merest of strangers to acknowledge his strength and respect his power. I know of no social background which encourages a male and his friends to sexually abuse a female of less strength than him, for little or no reason besides "being in the wrong place at the wrong time." As I'm typing this letter, the little voice in my head is screaming and crying out to write down all the words I should have said, but never did, yet I still feel like, despite all the demoralizing actions you acted towards me, I still have the moral higher ground because I never retaliated.

In some ways, I blame myself. Surely, to fornicate a year long project of subjecting me to daily torture and hatred, leaving me so shriveled with fear to go to school, leave my house or even leave my bedroom, I must have done something wrong. Is it because of how religious I was, did that offend you in some way? Did I say something? Did me refusing your romantic advances cause you to hate me so much that you unleashed this torment? I don't know. I don't know what I'd do if I came face to face with you today. Would I cry? Would I scream? I know I'd like answers. Why me? Although I wouldn't wish your torment upon anyone, why couldn't it have been anyone else? 

I wish there was a way you could peer into my dreams and sleep a night. I wish you could see how vivid the nightmares are, of you attacking me with the chainsaw blade. Of the night you followed me home when I was home alone and sent me all the threatening and creepy messages. The night you dragged me into the abandoned toilets and attempted to rape me. It's real, it's vivid, and it hurts. It hurts to even think about it and I'm crying as I type. Your cycle of abuse is the root cause of my eating disorder. The route cause and trigger of my severe anxiety disorder and manic depression. You are the reason I'm forced to take pill after pill to keep me from drowning in my fears. 

I really hope the thrill and power you felt from your routine attacks on me were worth it. I truly hope that you rot in hell. 

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge

Day 1 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain 
Day 2 —  A Deceased person you wish you could talk to 
Day 3 — Someone you wish could forgive you  
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — Your Crush
Day 12 — Your Best Friend
Day 13 — Your parents
Day 14 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush 
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Reading Festival

8 more days until I'm at Reading Festival! So so so excited! Thought I'd make a list of the bands I'm very excited to see...

Friday
The Cure
Paramore
Crystal Castles
Coheed & Cambria
The Maccabees
Hadouken
Lady Lykez

Saturday
Florence&The Machine
Enter Shikari
OFWGKTA
Billy Talent
Katy B
Azaelia Banks
Modestep
Lower Than Atlantis
We Are The In Crowd

Sunday
Foo Fighters
The Black Keys
All Time Low
The Gaslight Anthem
Two Door Cinema Club
Of Monsters and Men
Gallows
Polar Bear Club
The Flatliners
The Futureheads


yeah yeah yeah buddy!

A couple of updates...

My blog posts are usually about a certain subject, whether I've struggled with a certain meal etc and never really give an insight in to what I do in my life, it's usually the worst points, so I thought I'd write about 2 things I have done in the past two weeks that I haven't previously blogged about!

I applied for a Job at Pets At Home and didn't get it...
The first round of interviews was for the group interview, which I found incredibly difficult because it required me speaking in front of a large group of people I'd never met. I'm usually a fairly confident and outspoken person, but I found this difficult because we were all being watched. However, I did pass the first round! I got to the second round, where you do a work trial. For my work trial, I cleaned out a large amount of hamster cages and set them up for a new arrival of hamsters, and then cleaned out the Guinea Pigs cage. Their were 11 of them and I can't get over how beautiful they are! It's made me really want a Guinea Pig! But the next day after this (what I thought was successful) work trial, I received an email telling me that my application wouldn't be pursued further... Gutted!

I tried to resolve things with my ex boyfriend and he threw it back in my face...
This post kind of sums it self up in a way. I sent him a fairly long text message saying I was sorry for the recent loss of his grandfather, and that I do still want to be friends at some point and that I'm always here for him. After a while, I got a really "pleasant" reply of him saying that he had no intention of wanting to be friends again. Bit rude, and knocked me back a bit, but fuck him, I'm better off single and taking care of myself rather than chasing after him. 

There we go!

Top 10 Songs of the Week

I'm posting this now so that I don't forget later on tonight, so don't be shocked that I'm awake and functioning at 11.30 either! I think it may just be the first time it's happened (bar work) this whole Summer Holiday so far, which is an achievement I suppose?

10) The Used - All That I've Got

9) R Kelly - The World's Greatest

8) The Smiths - Pretty Girls Make Graves

7) Counting Crows - Mr Jones

6) The Black Keys - Gold On The Ceiling

5) Eminem - Like Toy Soldiers

4) Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way

3) REM - Loosing My Religion

2) Paloma Faith - Picking Up The Pieces

1) B.o.B - So Good

Health

It's really annoying but lately, I keep fainting and feeling really nauseous and I'm getting pretty worried as I'm unintentionally loosing weight. Has this happened to anyone before?

"Mental Illness Problems"

I found this really interesting tumblr site, called Mental Illness Problems and in a weird way, I found it comforting that other people shared the same kind of little problems that relate to their illness. I decided I'll post a couple that I personally can really relate too, but please comment any ones you have also. I love reading things like this because it takes the loneliness away.

A Levels are so so confusing!!

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a Vet, but since GCSE Science I completely lost faith in my abilities in Science. But recently, I've been reconsidering and have considered that in September, instead of taking Art as an AS, If I re-sat the whole year and either took:

Biology, Chemistry, Economics/Business, English Literature
Biology, Chemistry, English Literature, Physcology/Sociology

I'm fairly indecisive tho, because of how competitive Veterinary is, whether or not to pursue this. Hmmm, decisions. Someone help me?

Top 10 Songs of this week!

I highly doubt anyone actually reads these, but I'm a day late (:o I know!!) due to plans (with actual people) haha. So I decided I'll make my top 10 list now. Better late than never right?

10) Demi Lovato - Give Your Heart A Break

9) Craig David - Just Don't Love You No More

8) Ingrid Michaelson - Can't Help Falling In Love With You

 7) Pusha T ft Tyler the Creator - Trouble On My Mind

6) Miley Cyrus - The Climb

5) Andrew Belle - In My Veins

4) Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

3) Yolande Be Cool - We No Speak Americano

2) Nickelback - How You Remind Me

1) Gwen Stefani - Cool

Relationship quiz that I found on Tumblr.

• 1. Are looks important in a relationship? I guess, I think attraction is more important tho.
• 2. Are relationships ever worth it? At this age, I don't think so, no.
• 3. Are you a virgin? Nope, I'm unfortunately not.
• 4. Are you in a relationship? Nope, I'm single as hell.
• 5. Are you in love? No, I struggle to like people, let alone love them.
• 6. Are you single this year? I am currently, yes.
• 7. Can you commit to one person? Easily.
• 8. Describe your crush? Not really a crush but I'm sexually attracted to a guy I work with, nothing romantic.
• 9. Describe your perfect mate? Someone that puts up with my shit.
• 10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope.
• 11. Do you ever want to get married? I don't know, probably not.
• 12. Do you forgive betrayal? Nope.
• 13. Do you get jealous easily? Not at all.
• 14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Nope.
• 15. Do you have any piercings? Yes.
• 16. Do you have any tattoos? Nope.
• 17. Do you like kissing in public? Yes.
• 20. Do you shower every day? Yes, sometimes more.
• 21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Nope.
• 22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.
• 23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes, I hate cheating.
• 24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Nope.
• 25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? Nope.
• 26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes, then they ended it by text message (Y)
• 27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Nope.
• 28. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes, it hurts.
• 29. Have you ever cheated on someone? Nope.
• 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? I'd change everything.
• 31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? A bit, yeah.
• 32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Nope.
• 33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yes.
• 34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Nope.
• 35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes.
• 36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yes.
• 37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Yes, haha!
• 38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes.
• 39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes.
• 40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Not for someone, about someone.
• 41. Have you had sex so far this year? Hehe, yes;-)
• 42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Idk a minute? I'm a sexual person.
• 43. How long was your longest relationship? 8 months.
• 44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 2.
• 45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? Fuck knows.
• 46. How many times did you have sex last year? Not that much :(
• 47. How old are you? 17 on Saturday!
• 48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Awesome dude, let me just go and sleep with your best friend x
• 49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? N/A
• 50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I'd pull out a gun and shoot him in the face.
• 51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes.
• 52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? I've given up on people because their not worth my time or efforts.
• 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Not that I know of.
• 54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes :(
• 55. Share a relationship story. We were in love, he took my virginity, cheated on me and dumped me by text on New Years. And we all lived happily ever after.
• 56. State 8 facts about your body. It's covered in scars, I don't like it, It's pale, It's 5"8, and I hate it.
• 57. Things you want to say to an ex: Die.
• 58. What are five ways to win your heart? Be intelligent, make me laugh, like animals, like exercise, like sex.
• 59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) It's on my profile somewhere.
• 60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 2 years.
• 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Eyes.
• 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Personal work out session!
• 63. What is your definition of “having sex”? The penis enters the vagina.
• 64. What is your definition of cheating? Something you would only do with your partner, doing that with someone else.
• 65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Kissing > Touching > Oral > Sex > Kissing > Sex (x10)
• 66. What is your favourite roleplay? I don't roleplay haha!
• 67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Cuddling watching a film!
• 68. What is your sexual orientation? Straight
• 69. What turns you off? Chavish behaviour.
• 70. What turns you on? Intelligence and roughness.
• 71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Russell Brand and me alone, that's all you need to know.
• 72. What words do you like to hear during sex? "Who are you? Did you drug me?"
• 73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Write me a letter! I love letters and I love receiving them and writing them!
• 74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Nice hair!
• 75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Come around when I was really ill just to see if I was okay and hug me.
• 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Wrote them a letter.
• 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? It's fine.
• 78. What’s your dirtiest secret? I don't go into that.
• 79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? I don't really get jealous haha!
• 80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Earlier, my dog.
• 81. Who are five people you find attractive? Lady GaGa, Russell Brand, Rihanna, Alex Pettyfer, Daniel Radcliffe.
• 82. Who is the last person you hugged? Dad.
• 83. Who was your first kiss with? Idk I was a child slut.
• 84. Why did your last relationship fail? I wasn't good enough.
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