Why is my Form Tutor so annoying?

I'm blogging from my form group at the moment, and my form tutor won't shut the fuck up. She's already sent me to get the form folder because Italy won and I pointed it out to her, and that's a long ass walk! And now she's nattering on about attendance and she's saying that even if you're ill, if you miss school you will fail.

Top 10 Songs this week.

I've decided that each Thursday, I'm going to post a list of my top ten songs in that week. Whether they be new songs, old songs, rock songs, rap songs, whatever, I have such a diverse taste in music and I'd like to share it with however many people view my blog.

Katy Perry - Wide Awake

Foals - Total Life Forever

Florence & The Machine - Take Care (Live Lounge Cover)

Vampire Weekend - Giving Up The Gun

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

Bob Dylan - Blowin' In The Wind

Kid Cudi ft MGMT - Pursuit of Happiness

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

The Chapman Family - Everyday Is Like Sunday (Morissey Cover)

The Dresden Dolls - Night at the Roses

Geena went shopping..

Seeing as I don't have Sixth Form on Thursday's, and I've been feeling glum lately, I decided to take myself out shopping and buy myself as some new clothes, I guess as a "Well Done for not killing yourself" gift. I could write this blog post as a game kind of thing, "I went shopping and I brought something beginning with ... etc." but that would require energy, something I don't have nearly enough of. 


So today I purchased

• Fred Perry Breton Striped Top: Besides Alexander McQueen, Fred Perry is my ULTIMATE favorite designer. It may just be the fact he did a collection devoted to Amy Winehouse, or the fact it's just fabulous. I spent an unholy amount on this t-shirt, but it's pretty so it's okay.
• VANS Skate t-shirt: I plan to cut it up and make it look more grungy. But it's a rather pretty t shit, very plain, just black with VANS written across the booby area. But I don't really have a smart dress sense, so it suits me well.
• Grey Side Split Maxi Skirt: Seeing as I have a million and one insect bites on my legs, I thought "hey, a maxi skirt would make the pain of them easier", and decided to purchase this. Also, I've been kind of feeling a little more girly lately. Don't tell anyone, or I'll have to kill you.
• Black & White Stripe Maxi Skirt: Again with the maxi skirt, I thought it'd soothe my banqueted legs. Plus, I can imagine it's going to look so hot with my studded denim jacket and my converse. (I can make anything girly non girly.)
• Cord TOMS: I've wanted some TOMS for ages, and I guess I just fell in love with the Cord ones. So pretty!
• Paisley print High waisted Shorts: I've finally decided to just accept the fact that it's summer, and embrace shorts instead of fighting them. But I'm not one for dull things. Can't wait to rock these bad boys.

So, that's pretty much how my day went. Now I'm sat here, sipping Diet Coke and reading Cosmopolitan online for some sex tips. 

Just kidding, I'm looking for normal articles...

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

It's really horrible when you bump into your ex boyfriend at the gym. It's even more horrible when it's him that worsened the issue with food and worsened any other problem. The fact you can stand and smile when you tore my world apart two years ago. Dickhead.

25th June 2012

Today has been a tough day. It's one of those days that started off well, seeming to be a positive and motivating day towards recovery yet towards the end, stumbles down into the depths of despair and loneliness. I woke h up, went to school and had a really inspiring and endearing English Literature lesson, which gave me some form of positiveness. After this I got the bus home, (with some weird man reading over my shoulder the whole time) and walked through town. I went into Subway and went to place my order, but I couldn't really bring myself to it. It probably seems odd to anyone outside of the eating disorder world, but even asking for food can be such a terrifying experience. I tried to subtly walk out of Subway, which ended up in a bit of a cry on my walk home. After this, I went to Nathan's, which definitely perked up the day. After some cuddling, rough sex and talking, he drove me to work and kissed me goodbye. I got into work and two of my favorite life guards were on duty which was a positive. After lovely conversations with them, they day speedily crippled. The management made some snide comments about me being ill the past weekend and being generally stressed, then the duty manager took half hour to cash up my till, which made me late for ballet. I arrived at ballet and just broke down in tears so my mum drove me home. And now I'm here. And Nathan's asking me to go on a walk with him but it's so much effort to wipe these mascara stains from my face when all I want to do is cry a river. I wish this disease didn't exist.

My favorite Post Secrets

Ana/Mia

Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Will you be there as I fall?
Or will you turn your back on me,
Completely broken for all to see.
It's like screaming in a crowded street,
With no-one left to hear,
Waking up and realizing,
That you're drowning in your fear.
Fear is but a metaphor,
For all the things inside your mind,
Yet it never fails to reminisce,
The things you left behind.
Holding conversations with the mirror, 
Failing yet again.
Ana talks and Mia listens, 
But they're my only friends.
Fingers sinking down my throat,
For the third time today.
Was there life before this monster?
That I'm too scared to disobey.
What would people say,
If they could read my mind?
Would they feel some sorrow,
Or would they run and hide?
Would they be filled with disgust,
Repulsed at what I do?
The thought of such behavior,
Every hour or every two?
I'm still not broken yet,
So please don't try to fix me.
I can't loose my friends just yet,
So please, just leave me be.

I'll put my future in you.

I'm really bored at the moment, and waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in, so I thought I'd answer one of those questionare things.

1. If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Yes

2. The last time you felt honestly broken? Pretty much every day.

3. Are you craving something? Diet Coke.

4. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A cuddle.

5. Would you rather have ten kids, or none? None.

6. What do you hear right now? Silence.

7. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? Two, it's in the corner of my room.

8. What’s on your mind right now? Group therapy session today.

9. Are you there for your friends? Always.

10. Last person to see you cry? My mum.

11. What do you do when you get nervous? Anxiety attacks, bite my nails or blink a lot.

12. Be honest, do you like people in general? Not too much, I like my own company.

13. How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? I don't want to have children.

14. Does anyone completely understand you? No 

15. Do you have a reason to smile right now? Yeah I mean theres gotta be something good going on.

16. Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Yup, load of crap.

17. Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? I guess so, yeah.

18. Do you tell your mum or dad everything? My mum

19. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? Not at all.

20. Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? How the heck do you answer that?

21. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Nope.

22. Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Future

23. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Ha, not many.

24. Are you easy to get along with? I hope so.

25. Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No, I love Gabby.

26. What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Diet Coke

27. What size bed do you have? Single

28. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before? ha

29. Do you like the rain? Depends

30. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

31. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Yes

32. Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? Neither really.

33. Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Nathan

34. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? The Pact, Karl & Ben.

35. Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? No

36. Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Yes

37. Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? Yea.

38. Do you regret a past relationship? So much.

39. Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? Depends who's concert it is? 

40. Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Not really, no. Every guy I've been interested in (which is not many) have been fairly different.

41. Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? Not that I know.

42. Do you care too much about your appearance? Yes.

43. Are you a jealous person? Not at all.

44. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Yes, loads :3

45. Do you miss anyone? Yes.

46. Last person who made you cry? I don't even know, just life made me cry.

47. Does your ex piss you off? He could be dead for all I know, never see/hear from him.

48. What are you doing tomorrow? Staying in bed crying about my life.

49. Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? Not at all. I've only ever had one relationship before the one I'm in.

50. Is there anyone you want to come see you? Nathan. I just want to be cuddled and told everything will be alright.

51. Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah. It hurt.

52. Ever given your all to someone who walked away? Yes.

53. Do you like cotton candy? Not really.

54. Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? My doctor.

55. Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? I physically couldn't cope if I was pregnant, I'd kill myself.

56. Do you have siblings? Yes, my older brother Daniel.

57. Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yes.

58. How has the past week been for you? An emotional roller coaster would be the best way to describe it.

59. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes, Jack and Karl.

60. What’s on your mind right now? How fat I feel.

61. What were you doing at midnight last night? I think I was showering.

62. What is your current mood? Erk.

63. Who was the first person you talked to today? Hmm, Nathan.

64. Will this week be a good one? Nope, it's going to be tough.

65. Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Just over a month, but the guy I've liked for a long time asked me out.

66. Who were you with last night? Myself.

67. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No

68. Next time you will kiss someone? Next time I see Nathan or Russell Brand.

69. Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? Boy. And haha, this is question 69.... 69? haha.

70. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Sleeping at Ryan's on Friday with Sapphire and Nathan watching films. Then working all day Saturday (10-6) then sleeping around Sapphire's and then working Sunday (10-6) and probably either going to the gym, or seeing Nathan.

Life with an Eating Disorder

I don't think anyone outside of the Eating Disorder community can fully comprehend the extent to which an eating disorder dominates your life. It's commonly a perceived idea that a teenage girl suffering with either Anorexia, Bulimia or any other difficulty with food is either;


a) Attention Seeking
b) Just wants to be skinny to look like Victoria Beckham


Honestly, I can't vouch for everyone else but for me it's certainly not either. I personally suffer with a body dysmorphia problem as well as an eating problem, which means for me, I don't see what everyone else see's in the mirror to such an extent that I do drastic things to change it. For me, I can't remember a time in my life in which I had a healthy relationship with food and myself. As a highly sensitive young girl, I think I just naturally sheltered myself away from others due to such a large fear of getting hurt, which led to severe trust issues. Because I've never been able to control the trust problems I have, I think that I just took that out on stopping eating and purging.


I have such a strong memory of when I think my eating disorder began. I was 6 years old, a dark-skinned little Italian looking girl in a primary school full of porcelain-colored china doll girls and realized how inadequate I felt. I guess a way to control this feeling was by not eating. Anyway, one day at dinner, I refused to eat what my mum had prepared, and was sitting on the stairs crying because I thought I was fat. My Dad, being the person that he is, came up to me (after shouting for a good half hour... typical) and showed me a magazine article of a young anorexic girl who ate one slice of toast during a week, who had recently passed away. He told me I'd end up like her if I continued the way I was going, that I was pathetic and over-sensitive and needed to toughen up.


I could never complain about my childhood, but it physically hurts me that with each memory I hold, my fear of food and lack of control dominates each and every one of them. A trip down memory lane for me is a pro-ana websites dream. I wish my childhood wasn't wasted upon these mental illnesses I suffer with, and I would do anything to be healthy, even for a day. If I could speak to the five year old me, I'd tell her she's beautiful just the way she is, and just because she looked different to the other girls, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing or that she's any less than enough then they are.