Okay, so over the past few weeks my hamsters have been fighting for dominance over the other, and mounting etc. Having previously kept gerbils that used to do this, i thought it wasn't a big issue as they soon work around it. However, after getting in from my gym session today, I came to check on my babies and find that one of them has killed the other. I'm not going to write in detail the sight, as he also became rather cannibalistic in his murder, but let's just say I threw up at least three times whilst trying to get his corpse out of the cage, and cleansing the cage. My other hamster Theodore seems really distraught too, which just makes this heart breaking. He came out of his house looking for his mate, and then I think it clicked what had happened and his eyes just changed.
RIP my little baby, mummy loves you lots and lots. xxx

Can anybody hear me?

I really hate living at home at the moment. I'm really tempted to go stay at my Nan's for a few days, just to get away.


Yesterday, I asked my Dad if my brothers girlfriend could not be invited to MY 17th birthday celebrations with the family (which I don't even want to happen due to the fact it'll all be based around fucking food) and he started having ago at me, saying I did it to be spiteful, I was being a bitch because they've been together for two years so she's basically family etc. Whilst I can understand where he's coming from, he didn't even give me a chance to explain my point, or even state how I don't want to have a family celebration. Right now, I'm really not in a good way when it comes to eating, and everyone at home knows that. Yet they still go and put all this pressure on me. I know I'm not an angel child, but at least try and fucking support me instead of treat me like shit. 


Now today at dinner, I had my usual salad whilst everyone else eats roast, (I don't eat potato or beef) and for the first few minutes, I was just looking at what's on my place, panicking a little (my brothers girlfriend was here too) and then my mum just decides to turn around and snap "Just fucking eat it or put it in the bin, stop pissing around." in the most rude and humiliating way possible. So after sitting for another few minutes, near enough in tears, I've just decided to go and put it in the fridge and go upstairs to get out of everyones way.


I can't even begin to explain how suicidal I've been feeling lately, and I know I don't really open up to people but it'd be nice if at least someone in this fucking family would listen to me. I'm pretty much on the verge of doing something right now because I'm so angry and I'm trying to distract myself. I just want to scream. I'm sorry I'm not good enough but I never wanted this, so stop fucking acting like I do.

Complications of the Mind.

As much of a vague and bold statement this is, a part of me hates anybody without an eating disorder or crippling depression. It's not like I hate the person for it, because it's not their fault.. I mean, why would you want to have any of it? But I hate the fact that they don't realize how easy it is for them in terms of eating and mind state. 


Say, if I sit for a family dinner and my brother brings his girlfriend, all I can see is them being able to eat a full meal without any sign of struggle or distress. On Sundays, as a family (and his girlfriend), we normally have a Sunday Roast together. However, because of my problems with food, I refuse to eat potato, so every Sunday I have a plain garden salad. It physically makes me angry that they can sit there and eat a full roast dinner, and dessert and calorie-filled drinks whilst I'm near enough in tears over consuming a leaf of lettuce.


I don't even know why I'm blogging this, I went downstairs to get some hayfever relief pills and I saw my brother and his girlfriend out on the garden with a picnic of cakes, sandwiches and just scoffing it down without a thought. I don't know, I don't know why it makes me so angry. It makes me not want to be around them. I always find myself pulling away from my family because of the pure fact that they're able to eat without distress and I can't. Posting this has even got me into tears of anger, I just uh.. I wish things were different and I wish I wasn't ill. 

Top 10 Songs of the Week

It could probably be considered sad, but the highlight of my week is usually posting my top 10 songs, and I always eagerly anticipate it.

 10) Jeremih - Birthday Sex

(It's my birthday soon, which is probably why this is appearing... haha;))

9) Tyler, The Creator ft Earl Sweatshirt - Assmilk

8) Beyonce - Why Don't You Love Me?

7) Frank Ocean - Thinkin About You

6) Nirvana - In Bloom

5) The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down

4) Shinedown - Second Chance

3) Evanescence - Good Enough

2) Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes

1) Lady GaGa - Edge of Glory

I miss missing you, sometimes.

I can't even begin to explain my emotions over the past couple of days. I have this way of, when in public, I act like I don't care about anything, and that I'm measurably happy. But when I get home and I'm finally alone with my thoughts, I feel so low and angry. I'm angry at myself for not fighting for you and I'm angry at myself for not fighting with this illness. I miss everything about you but I couldn't imagine being with you now after all of this. At the moment, all I want to do is cry and starve and just torment myself, but I know that I need to act like I'm okay and reassure people I am. I need time just for me, myself and I. 

Routines, Eating Disorder and Parental Interruption.

I'm aware this blog post sounds like one of those "Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging" books, and as much as I wish it was on the same level of wit and humour, this isn't. 


As with pretty much most eating disorder sufferers, I have a routine that prepares me to be able to eat and, I guess to de-stress me from how stressful it is. With the past few weeks being incredibly stressful for me and resulting in a bit of a weight loss (Mixed emotions, am I meant to be sad about it?), pretty much everyone in on "my little secret" knows that before they ask me to eat, or before I eat, I go through a routine of my own meditation. As sad as it sounds, I have to watch television before and whilst eating, otherwise it makes me entirely focus upon the fact that I'm eating. For me, it's the only way that it's possible for me to eat at home, because otherwise I find it easier to just starve. 


Tonight, my Mum and Dad went out food shopping, so I set up a "camp" in the living room - it's never normally in use so it's no disruption to other people anyway, as my dad is always playing computer games and my Mum is always working or in bed. They came back after two or three hours, so I'd settled into my routine and was feeling a bit more relaxed about the idea of eating. After them asking me to walk the dog, I went out and took him on a really long walk and got back to them being in the living room, eating their dinner and watching some shit television show. For me, this just felt like they were screaming "You're fat, we don't want you to eat so just go sit in your room and starve". Although they might not have been, in the mind state of an eating disorder you discover you can take pretty much any statement and find a connotation of your self worth being put into question.


So now I'm in my bedroom, pretty much crying because now I can't eat. It's not that I wanted to eat, because food is just repulsing to me at the moment, but I know that I need to to beat this disease, yet I can't do it in a way that makes me comfortable because I've been put out of my routine. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, I guess I just wanted to know if other people have the same dilemmas, and how to resolve them. Just so stressed out now :/

Top 10 Songs of the week

I normally do this every Thursday, but my laptop chargers been broken so I've kind of been unable to, so here it is, a day late!

1) Blur - Beetlebum

2) George Kalukusha - Bottles

(I'm also friends with George, a lovely guy and a very talented singer!)

3) HADOUKEN! - That Boy That Girl

4) Nirvana - In Bloom

5) Eminem ft Dido - Stan

6) Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

7) Mayday Parade - When I Get Home You're So Dead

8) Boys Like Girls - Five Minutes To Midnight

9) Paloma Faith - New York

10) Blink 182 - I Miss You

And in the words of Tupac...

"And since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman and our game from a woman, I wonder why we take from our women. Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it's time to kill for our women, time to heal our women, be real to our women. And if we don't we'll have a race of babies that will hate the ladies that make the babies. And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one."

In another life, I would make you stay.

Today, I've been recovering from a hangover so I've been sat in bed, crying and feeling sorry for myself and googling quotes on how I feel at the moment. I know most people usually vomit and eat when hungover, but I normally get into contact with my poetic side... (And by that I mean, copying and pasting other peoples quotations)


The heart was made to be broken - Oscar Wilde


The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal - Astrid Alauda


However long the night, the dawn will break - African proverb (one can hope this is true.)


Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt - Tom Gates


I'm going to be honest here. I miss you and I'm so angry at you for just walking out when you promised me you wouldn't. I've waited for something to happen with you for years, and you told me you felt similar. If that's so, how comes you could just walk away so easily, and I'm left here breaking my own heart over this? You seem to be having the time of your life considering how "upset" you were, I don't even know how I'm supposed to act. I'm so used to just hiding behind a smile and facing my problems at the end of the day when I'm alone. It feels like the bottle I use to hole up these feelings is slowly breaking and falling apart, and any time soon there's just going to be this massive rush, and I won't be able to control it. I wish you'd leave my mind and heart, and just be as mentally absent as you are emotionally and physically.

Top 10 Songs this week.

Pre warning: Their probably all going to be smushy or angry or maybe triggering.

10) Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire

9) Jason Mraz - If It Kills Me

8) Shakira - Don't Bother

7) Bethany Dillon - Beautiful

6) Kate Voegle - Lift Me Up

5) Drake - Over My Dead Body

4) David Guetta, Chris Brown & Lil Wayne - I Can Only Imagine

3) Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway

2) Sugarcult - Bouncing Off The Walls

Tyler, the Creater ft Jasper Dolphin and Odd Taco - Bitches Suck Dick

It's a little too late for you to come back.

After the events of last night, I think it's safe to say this song reflects my mood. I'm not going to let you break up with me, by a text message despite seeing me just hours earlier, and then for you too apologize to me and act like you care. I've honestly waited so long for us to get together, and you are probably the only guy I've ever even semi-trusted, and you've completely broke that. Telling me to not be angry is potentially the dumbest thing you could do, besides break up with someone by text.


I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you, but I'm tired of beating myself up over this stuff. I think you've taught me not to open up. 

Everything burns

I've come under this habit of doing a blog post with the title of a song, that feels like it relates to what I'll be blogging about. The title to this post is Ben Moody ft Anastacia - Everything Burns. I think the most relative lyric from this is "Wrapped in all of the promises, That no one seems to keep. She no longer cries to herself, No tears left to wash away. Just diaries of empty pages, Feelings gone astray" Don't ask me why, but this seems oh so relevant to life right now. 


Anyway, I guess today has been one of the toughest days in a long time for me. Well, to be precise, the past few days. After a lovely night on Saturday with Nathan, I came home Sunday, took a nap. When I woke up, to my dismay, my period had come back. After a long time of not menstruating, it's relatively understandable at the emotions I felt. I was diagnosed and told by doctor that I'll be unable to menstruate again or have children due to the damage my eating disorder has had on my love-making organs. Whilst this was upsetting news for everyone, I can't honestly say I care. I guess it proved to me that my eating disorder was real, the fact I was too ill to do such a simple task that every women could. 

Getting my period back also caused alarm.. "Why was it back? Had I gained weight? Is my BMI healthy? Can I get pregnant now? Ew, is period blood really that disgusting? Owh, what the fuck is this cramp?" To be precise. But I guess it's made me feel like complete and utter shit, because it makes me feel like I'm loosing my eating disorder. For so long, it's been my identity, and in a way, my shell. I'd block out the world, because I was happy in my illness. I guess now it feels like I shouldn't have an issue with food, because I'm at a healthy weight again.

Also, things with Nathan have been tough. He recently revealed that things had changed between us, that he didn't really enjoy spending time with me at the moment, and he didn't want to fuck things up between us. It terrifies me to loose him if I'm honest. I really, honestly like him so much. This feels like the first time I've ever had someone who doesn't just want to fuck me and leave me. I'm so scared for him to actually leave now because I know I'll never find that again. I'm just a mentally ill slut. 

Top 10 Songs this week

I know I said I'd post my top ten on a Thursday, but I'm making a exception due to the fact that I can safely say tomorrow, I will have no free time to even breathe, let alone blog. 

Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Hollywood Undead - Paradise Lost

Frank Ocean - Scared of Beautiful

(He also recently came out as gay, which makes me so proud of Frank!)

Professor Green ft Emeli Sande - Read All About It

Tyler, The Creator - Yonkers

You Me At Six - Stay With Me

Young Guns - A Hymn For All I've Lost

Drake - Marvins Room

Within Temptations - Angels

James Vincent McMorrow - We Don't Eat (Adventure Club Remix)

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to beat this disease. By this disease, I'm not solely concentrating upon my eating disorder. I'm classing it all together; my depression, my anxiety issues, my trust issues and my eating issues. All of this is one colossal disease, set out to destroy my life, yet implicated by no other but me. I see others surrounding me on the verge of the destructive path that is, an eating disorder, and all I want to do is yell out and scream, to be "The Catcher in the Rye" that Holden Caulfield wants to be for the children in J D Salingers novel. Except, I'm not longing to protect them from growing up - as that's inevitable, I want to protect them from the self-hatred and self-torture this illness brings upon us. 

Life is tiring

I don't have enough energy to place my feelings onto a long text post, I don't think I could keep composure if I did right now. So here's a picture of a tattoo that I'm going to get when I'm eighteen.