I miss missing you, sometimes.

I can't even begin to explain my emotions over the past couple of days. I have this way of, when in public, I act like I don't care about anything, and that I'm measurably happy. But when I get home and I'm finally alone with my thoughts, I feel so low and angry. I'm angry at myself for not fighting for you and I'm angry at myself for not fighting with this illness. I miss everything about you but I couldn't imagine being with you now after all of this. At the moment, all I want to do is cry and starve and just torment myself, but I know that I need to act like I'm okay and reassure people I am. I need time just for me, myself and I. 

It's a little too late for you to come back.

After the events of last night, I think it's safe to say this song reflects my mood. I'm not going to let you break up with me, by a text message despite seeing me just hours earlier, and then for you too apologize to me and act like you care. I've honestly waited so long for us to get together, and you are probably the only guy I've ever even semi-trusted, and you've completely broke that. Telling me to not be angry is potentially the dumbest thing you could do, besides break up with someone by text.


I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you, but I'm tired of beating myself up over this stuff. I think you've taught me not to open up. 

Everything burns

I've come under this habit of doing a blog post with the title of a song, that feels like it relates to what I'll be blogging about. The title to this post is Ben Moody ft Anastacia - Everything Burns. I think the most relative lyric from this is "Wrapped in all of the promises, That no one seems to keep. She no longer cries to herself, No tears left to wash away. Just diaries of empty pages, Feelings gone astray" Don't ask me why, but this seems oh so relevant to life right now. 


Anyway, I guess today has been one of the toughest days in a long time for me. Well, to be precise, the past few days. After a lovely night on Saturday with Nathan, I came home Sunday, took a nap. When I woke up, to my dismay, my period had come back. After a long time of not menstruating, it's relatively understandable at the emotions I felt. I was diagnosed and told by doctor that I'll be unable to menstruate again or have children due to the damage my eating disorder has had on my love-making organs. Whilst this was upsetting news for everyone, I can't honestly say I care. I guess it proved to me that my eating disorder was real, the fact I was too ill to do such a simple task that every women could. 

Getting my period back also caused alarm.. "Why was it back? Had I gained weight? Is my BMI healthy? Can I get pregnant now? Ew, is period blood really that disgusting? Owh, what the fuck is this cramp?" To be precise. But I guess it's made me feel like complete and utter shit, because it makes me feel like I'm loosing my eating disorder. For so long, it's been my identity, and in a way, my shell. I'd block out the world, because I was happy in my illness. I guess now it feels like I shouldn't have an issue with food, because I'm at a healthy weight again.

Also, things with Nathan have been tough. He recently revealed that things had changed between us, that he didn't really enjoy spending time with me at the moment, and he didn't want to fuck things up between us. It terrifies me to loose him if I'm honest. I really, honestly like him so much. This feels like the first time I've ever had someone who doesn't just want to fuck me and leave me. I'm so scared for him to actually leave now because I know I'll never find that again. I'm just a mentally ill slut.