I miss missing you, sometimes.

I can't even begin to explain my emotions over the past couple of days. I have this way of, when in public, I act like I don't care about anything, and that I'm measurably happy. But when I get home and I'm finally alone with my thoughts, I feel so low and angry. I'm angry at myself for not fighting for you and I'm angry at myself for not fighting with this illness. I miss everything about you but I couldn't imagine being with you now after all of this. At the moment, all I want to do is cry and starve and just torment myself, but I know that I need to act like I'm okay and reassure people I am. I need time just for me, myself and I. 

In another life, I would make you stay.

Today, I've been recovering from a hangover so I've been sat in bed, crying and feeling sorry for myself and googling quotes on how I feel at the moment. I know most people usually vomit and eat when hungover, but I normally get into contact with my poetic side... (And by that I mean, copying and pasting other peoples quotations)


The heart was made to be broken - Oscar Wilde


The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal - Astrid Alauda


However long the night, the dawn will break - African proverb (one can hope this is true.)


Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt - Tom Gates


I'm going to be honest here. I miss you and I'm so angry at you for just walking out when you promised me you wouldn't. I've waited for something to happen with you for years, and you told me you felt similar. If that's so, how comes you could just walk away so easily, and I'm left here breaking my own heart over this? You seem to be having the time of your life considering how "upset" you were, I don't even know how I'm supposed to act. I'm so used to just hiding behind a smile and facing my problems at the end of the day when I'm alone. It feels like the bottle I use to hole up these feelings is slowly breaking and falling apart, and any time soon there's just going to be this massive rush, and I won't be able to control it. I wish you'd leave my mind and heart, and just be as mentally absent as you are emotionally and physically.

It's a little too late for you to come back.

After the events of last night, I think it's safe to say this song reflects my mood. I'm not going to let you break up with me, by a text message despite seeing me just hours earlier, and then for you too apologize to me and act like you care. I've honestly waited so long for us to get together, and you are probably the only guy I've ever even semi-trusted, and you've completely broke that. Telling me to not be angry is potentially the dumbest thing you could do, besides break up with someone by text.


I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you, but I'm tired of beating myself up over this stuff. I think you've taught me not to open up.