25th June 2012

Today has been a tough day. It's one of those days that started off well, seeming to be a positive and motivating day towards recovery yet towards the end, stumbles down into the depths of despair and loneliness. I woke h up, went to school and had a really inspiring and endearing English Literature lesson, which gave me some form of positiveness. After this I got the bus home, (with some weird man reading over my shoulder the whole time) and walked through town. I went into Subway and went to place my order, but I couldn't really bring myself to it. It probably seems odd to anyone outside of the eating disorder world, but even asking for food can be such a terrifying experience. I tried to subtly walk out of Subway, which ended up in a bit of a cry on my walk home. After this, I went to Nathan's, which definitely perked up the day. After some cuddling, rough sex and talking, he drove me to work and kissed me goodbye. I got into work and two of my favorite life guards were on duty which was a positive. After lovely conversations with them, they day speedily crippled. The management made some snide comments about me being ill the past weekend and being generally stressed, then the duty manager took half hour to cash up my till, which made me late for ballet. I arrived at ballet and just broke down in tears so my mum drove me home. And now I'm here. And Nathan's asking me to go on a walk with him but it's so much effort to wipe these mascara stains from my face when all I want to do is cry a river. I wish this disease didn't exist.