Tomorrow might be good, or something?

I feel really sad and I keep crying. I hate crying because I feel so weak and vulnerable and it's horrible. I'm tired of my brother making me feel bad about myself. I love him always but he is such a shit brother. Isn't an older brother supposed to look out for his little sister? Isn't he meant to get bullies to leave her alone, instead of ignoring her and waiting for one of his friends to stop it. Isn't he supposed to be there for her?

I wish we had the perfect family picture everyone presumes we are.

Top 10 Songs This Week

I feel really bad for missing last weeks, but I was drunk in a field with no internet access, so I was kind of unable to post them. Most of these will be songs from Reading which will make me feel really nostalgic, but yeah. 

10) Bombay Bicycle Club - How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?

9) Two Door Cinema Club - Come Back Home

8) The Cure - Close To Me

7) Fidlar - Wake, Bake, Skate

6) Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby

5) Foo Fighters - Everlong

4) Modestep - Sunlight

3) You Me At Six ft Oli Skyes - Bite My Tongue

2) Billy Talent - Try Honesty

1) Benjamin Francis Leftwich - Stole You Away

The sunlight hurts my eyes

I got back from Reading Festival today, and it's safe to say it has been the most mental and memorable weekend of my life. My body is aching everywhere, but the reasons behind this are enough to make me smile and be thankful. We got there on Wednesday and set up our camp. It was my first night meeting everyone besides Marianne, and it was less awkward than I expected. We then went to Tesco, bought a lot of alcohol and set up a fire, drinking around the fire. I wasn't really drunk Wednesday night, but ended up in my tent with Marianne, and we had Nathaniel and Chris between us. I can't remember how that happened but I was dressed as a penguin so it was all innocent. I woke up first out of us on Thursday morning and sang at everyone to wake up. Nathaniel wouldn't wake up so I put gold body glitter all over him, then ran out the tent so he couldn't beat me up. Thursday was pretty much spent on our little camp site, making friends with the neighbors and drinking. We discovered we had drug dealing neighbors at about 7pm, when one of them (he was so attractive) came and plonked himself in the middle of Nathaniel and Harry. He turned around and asked "So, does anyone want to buy any MD? Acid? Bud? Shrooms? Ket?" and just walked off after we all looked at him in shock. Then a random girl on MD came and sat with us and she looked so ill, she was biting her mouth to shreds so I rolled her about ten cigarettes to keep her occupied from doing it. I felt so bad for her but she was so gone. It was rather cold and she was in hot pants and a crop top, which probably worsened the situation. The rest of the weekend was spent drinking, being chased around the camp by Harry and him pouring Fosters/Radox Soap/Moisturiser and anything else he could find over me for bantering him. Me and Marianne dance with some 40 year old men at the Cure and I cried to Dan during Friday I'm In Love. Dan also picked me out of a moshpit in Hadouken as I seriously injured my foot. I had to spend Friday afternoon at the camp site to rest it up whilst Ray, Ollie and Nathan sat there talking about sex, and going for poo's. It was kind of cringey but I joined in when they began to talk about gym, as I'm inevitably the expert (sarcasm)

I can't really fault the weekend, despite the toilets. They were like Chernobyl. And the fact that some people chose to go to The Maccabees over The Cure? I love the Maccabees and everything, but you can see them whenever they tour. The Cure haven't toured in so long, and will probably not tour again. They're also one of the most iconic bands in history, its kind of like choosing Cher Lloyd over Nirvana. Also, I did struggle with the eating side of it, and ended up loosing a large amount of weight which gives me some mixed feelings. I'm trying to be positive and pass it off as a glitch in the road, but a part of me feels it was inevitable that given the circumstances and the freedom I had, I just wouldn't eat. I don't know. The weekend was amazing and it feels so weird being in my bed, and not in Dans tent with him snoring in my ear, and hearing people outside shout "ALAN?" "STEVE?" "JESUS CHRIST BENTON". 

At my nannas

I love being at my nannas, but it's so stressful how she forces me to eat. I can barely manage at the moment, I don't need you reminding me of how shit I am okay

Top 10 Songs This Week!

And for next week... Unless I manage to get internet access Wednesday morning before I go to Reading Fest. I know it's late but I spent last night getting incredibly intoxicated and just partying, so that can be my excuse...

10)Lana Del Rey - Dark Paradise

9) Perfume Genius - Hood

8) Frank Ocean ft Earl Sweatshirt - Super Rich Kids

7) Foals - Olympic Airways

6) Vampire Weekend - The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

5) Rizzle Kicks - Travellers Chant

4) Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

3) Crystal Castles - Celestica

2) Lower Then Atlantis - Up In Smoke

1) Fiona Apple - Paperbag

Fuck forever

It's getting quite frustrating with my Dad telling me if I don't beat my eating disorder he'll never let me go to University, and will have me sectioned. Thanks Dad, you're a star. (not) I really did not wake up one day and decide it would be fun to have a crippling phobia of food and control. 

[30 Day Letter Writing Challenge] Day 1 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Dear x,

In Algebra, the term x is given to an unknown number in which we must figure out, calculating and considering different values as to the whole value of x. The x in this specific formula is not of a single digit nor person, it's of a cluster of people. x to the power of another value potentially. The term x is also given as a way of excluding a value in a essay or report in which we consider to be irrelevant, or potentially hazardous to the reader. You are the value x in my life. Whilst you maybe irrelevant now, your memory still haunts me, day in and day out. Although I haven't seen you since 2010, I see you every single day in my mind whilst squirming and screaming out of a dark and twisted nightmare, or a glimpse of what you did. You are the tiny echo heard in a darkened tunnel by a timid mouse, and you are the darkened shadow in the corner of a brightly lit room. You are a shadow that never disappears, no matter how warm the sun blazes upon me and for that, I feel nothing but hatred towards you.

The hatred I have for you is only partially towards your actions to me, but predominantly for the counter effect it's held on my life, years from the grasp you held over me. Whilst you've continued living life, day by day with no remorse or second thought about the actions and implications you've had, you never really acknowledged the pain you left me to deal with. I know that in the social background you grew up with, a male held his repertoire by displays of his dominance and assertion, allowing even the merest of strangers to acknowledge his strength and respect his power. I know of no social background which encourages a male and his friends to sexually abuse a female of less strength than him, for little or no reason besides "being in the wrong place at the wrong time." As I'm typing this letter, the little voice in my head is screaming and crying out to write down all the words I should have said, but never did, yet I still feel like, despite all the demoralizing actions you acted towards me, I still have the moral higher ground because I never retaliated.

In some ways, I blame myself. Surely, to fornicate a year long project of subjecting me to daily torture and hatred, leaving me so shriveled with fear to go to school, leave my house or even leave my bedroom, I must have done something wrong. Is it because of how religious I was, did that offend you in some way? Did I say something? Did me refusing your romantic advances cause you to hate me so much that you unleashed this torment? I don't know. I don't know what I'd do if I came face to face with you today. Would I cry? Would I scream? I know I'd like answers. Why me? Although I wouldn't wish your torment upon anyone, why couldn't it have been anyone else? 

I wish there was a way you could peer into my dreams and sleep a night. I wish you could see how vivid the nightmares are, of you attacking me with the chainsaw blade. Of the night you followed me home when I was home alone and sent me all the threatening and creepy messages. The night you dragged me into the abandoned toilets and attempted to rape me. It's real, it's vivid, and it hurts. It hurts to even think about it and I'm crying as I type. Your cycle of abuse is the root cause of my eating disorder. The route cause and trigger of my severe anxiety disorder and manic depression. You are the reason I'm forced to take pill after pill to keep me from drowning in my fears. 

I really hope the thrill and power you felt from your routine attacks on me were worth it. I truly hope that you rot in hell.